The Tale Of Epic Insanity
by butterflyninja935
Summary: Lianna, Xavier, and Tristan are three typical kids, at least until the Fellowship decides to end up in their living room.  Just meant to be a funny story.  Please R&R.  My first fanfic EVER!  T for language
1. Chapter 1: Meet The Kids And Their Lives

**Hello, hello, hello! This is my first ever fanfic, so if it completely sucks, your wasted time will be refunded. Cookie if you can tell me where that line "your wasted time will be refunded" is from. Also, cookie if you REVIEW! I like reviews. **uses epic ninja skill to make everybody review****

My parents were leaving. They did this frequently.

They didn't quite deserve the label "bad parents." They tried, the boys and I knew they did. But they weren't quite cut out for the responsibility of parenthood.

They were going to the movies, two hours away. So they were leaving now, at five, getting dinner there, and they wouldn't be home until midnight, or later. So, seven hours of being our own supervisors.

I should probably introduce myself. I'm Lianna Kari Jacobson, thirteen-year-old aspiring writer and Resident Nitwit. My brothers, Xavier Jake Justin and Tristan Timothy Bartleby Nicholas (did I mention my parents are weird?) are ten and seven. We had settled ourselves in for the night. Tristan was playing Wii, Xavier was listening to Lil Wayne, and I was reading fanfiction. This is how we spend most of our No Parent Nights.

"Yo, White Knight, play baseball with me!" shouted Tristan. As a joke, Trist calls Xavier "White Knight" because his name sounds like Savior. Get it? Ha ha!

Yeah, I know, not funny. Seven-year-old joke.

"Only if I can play 'How to Love' in the speakers," he retorted.

"Sure, whatevs. Li?"

I am very aware of the fact that my brother who has six more years to go talks like a teenager. Cut him some slack, he lives with me.

"I don't care." I was plugged into my iTouch, Paramore blasting into my ears. Misery Business came on, and I started to sing.

"I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top. She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock-"

"Li! WE HATE PARAMORE!"

"You guys have no souls." I resumed singing, albeit under my breath.

"I get Voldemort!" Xavier shouted.

"I get Dobby and Gollum! And Yoda!"

If that made no sense to you, let me explain. When you play Wii baseball, they give you random Miis (avatars) on your team. The boys are in the habit of making random Miis of fictitious characters. We've got the Fellowship of the Ring, Gollum, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, Neville, the Weasley twins, Ginny, Dobby, Voldemort, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Little Anakin, and Luke Skywalker.

I kept reading my fanfic. It was a very good movie parody, called Jackson, Where's my Paycheck? Go check it out. If you do not laugh, you can sue me for wasting your time.

I laughed at random intervals. The boys are used to this. Sometimes I laugh at my songs, sometimes my fanfics. Periodically, I recorded on my computer who had won the Wii baseball. We keep an Excel spreadsheet. When we get too mature to play Wii or when we chuck it because it doesn't work anymore, I will print said spreadsheet and we will hang it up on the wall for eternity.

Life was going good. Occasional exclaims of delight or groans of "What was that?", Paramore drowning out White Knight's rappers, Jackson, Where's my Paycheck? making me laugh…life was good.

Suddenly, the house shook violently. I flinched, slamming fanfic shut and tentatively putting Paramore on pause. Tristan shut the Wii off. Xavier yanked his iPod nano out of the speakers and looked at me, his expression that of a cornered, injured small mammal.

"Was that an earthquake?" Tristan asked, fear in his eyes. Not a common emotion on my adorable little brother.

"I don't know, little buddy," I admitted. "I don't know."

And the world was blinded in a explosion of pure white, and I fell backward in a smooth, fluid motion. My final thought was _Where is the sofa? It should be here to catch me…_

**Yo! Did you like? That's what that little button that says "Review this Chapter" is for. Please don't flame. It's okay if you say it sucks, but I do not like to be personally insulted.**


	2. Chapter 2: Of iPods and Crying

**A/N: Hello again! "Your wasted time will be refunded" is from **_**The Phantom Tollbooth.**_** Only two people reviewed *****sob*. Cookies to DragongirlM and QueenSword for reviewing, subscribing, favoriting, etc. Enjoy!**

**Sorry I didn't update sooner. My really good family friend died Wednesday, and his funeral was Friday, and my weekend was hectic. Wrong time to write a humor story, I guess.**

**This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Charlie!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is the property of Tolkien, Paramore, Taylor Swift, whoever invented Wii baseball, or anything besides Lianna, Xavier, and Tristan.**

I woke to a person who looked disturbingly like my best friend's boyfriend.

"Michael? Wait, who the hell are you?"

"Who is Michael? My name is Pippin Took of the Shire. And who the hell are you?"

I laughed. "You must have some intelligence. My name is Lianna. And you don't exist."

"Excuse me, my lady, but I do exist. I am standing here right now, does that not mean I exist?"

If this really was Pippin, he did actually have the adorkable Scottish accent.

"Okay. Your existence aside, are my brothers okay?" I tried to sit up. My head spun a little, but I looked around. Xavier and Tristan had woken up, apparently before me. They were sitting on the sofa.

"God, you took for-freaking-ever to wake up," Double T (our other nickname for Tristan because of his first and second names) said, almost admonishingly, like he was older than me.

"We told them who we are," he added helpfully, gesturing to the other people, who I guessed I just hadn't noticed. I sort of recognized the Fellowship. Merry was the only one who looked exactly like Dominic Monaghan. Gandalf was rather distinctive, and Boromir did actually have strawberry blond hair. And Legolas was still hot.

Aragorn looked at me. "Lady Lianna, Lord Tristan and Lord Xavier have informed us of who you are. I understand that we are in a story in this world."

"Yes. And please don't call me Lady. I am not a lady by any stretch of the imagination."

"No shoes Sherlock," said Xavier.

"Shut up. Brothers," I said to the Fellowship, shaking my head.

Boromir smiled at me. He had a little brother. I did really like Lord of the Rings, and certainly fanfics.

"Li, seriously, what'll we do? Mom and Dad'll be home in…six hours." Xavier looked at the clock. Six-oh-two. "What happens when they come home?"

I rubbed my temples. "I don't know, White Knight, I don't know. I don't know everything."

"You just admitted you don't know something twice in the past twenty minutes. Have you gone insane?" Tristan wondered aloud.

"I'm not gonna like you," Legolas muttered.

"That was mean. I am sad." I was doing my best puppy-dog eyes. "But I don't really care. Nobody likes me."

Pippin was drumming his fingers on the arm of the sofa. "I'm bored. What can we do? If your parents come home, will they murder us?"

"No, my parents will not murder you guys. They might just faint. My parents are not very responsible, and they're very into normalcy. They think it'll make them look good. They hate my daydreaming, my purple streak-" I lifted my dark brown curls to reveal a streak of six-month-guaranteed purple dye "my constant reading of fantasy, my Paramore-"

"You certainly use long words," said Frodo, giving me a look I couldn't quite file away as anything.

"Oh. Paramore is, um, three people, and they write awesome songs, and they gave themselves a name. I don't actually have, um, a lover."

"Okay," he said, settling back on my awesomeful purple chair. He seemed to take things as they come.

_Oh, fudge, the One Ring!_ Wow, epic failure, I had forgotten it until now. But Gandalf seemed to read my panicked expression.

"Lord Xavier mentioned you knew of the Ring," he said calmly, blue eyes twinkling. "It does not work in this world. Our little hobbit friend here put it on, and nothing happened."

"Oh, good," I replied, my relief evident in my tone. "And as for what you can do, Pippin-" I racked my brain for ideas "-Trist, play Wii with him."

"You can't order me around. What if I don't want to?"

"You know what? I am establishing an order of seniority."

"A what?" Double T asked.

"A who gets to order who around. It will go, um…me, Gandalf, Aragorn, Xavier, Legolas, Boromir, Tristan, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Karanja."

"Why are you first?" Merry complained.

"Because I made it. And, very important, no abusing of your powers in the order of seniority!"

"Who's…_Karanja_?" asked Gimli, the Indian word unfamiliar on his tongue.

"Our cat. Where is he…oh, right on cue."

Karanja is a beautiful animal, glossy fur like polished wood, and that's what he looks like, polished wood.

"Karanja means _tree_ in Marathi. That's a language from India. India's a country far away." I replied to the question forming in his brain that hadn't quite made it to his mouth yet. I took the cat into my arms. "He doesn't bite. Leave him alone, and he'll leave you alone. DO NOT injure him, or I will be forced to kill you."

Tristan tossed Pip a Wii remote. "Here, I'll show how to play. White Knight, stay here for advice-giving."

"Why do you call him White Knight?" Boromir asked me.

"When Tristan was little, he couldn't say Xavier, so it sounded like Savior. The White Knight bit came from there."

"Life isn't actually like that," he informed me.

"Oh, I know," I said. "Here, wanna see something cool? Everyone, come look."

Now, we all take iPods for granted. But the Fellowship of the Ring certainly didn't. I put my Touch into the speakers.

"Now, watch this," I said, scrolling through my playlist. Hmmm…Justin Bieber? No. Paramore? No…wait, The Only Exception? No. Nicki Minaj? No. Taylor Swift? Oh, yeah. Ours. I went to it, and clicked.

"Watch this."

Elevator buttons and morning air

Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs

If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares

But right now my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves

They'll judge it like they know about being you

And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do

The jury's out, my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks and things that shine

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves

Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me

Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles

But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

And you'll say

Don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks and things that shine

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate

If it's wrong and

Your hands are tough

But they are where mine belong and

I'll fight their doubt and give you faith

With this song for you

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth

And I love the riddles that you speak

And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored

'Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks and things that shine

And life makes love look hard

Don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks and things that shine

But they can't take what's ours

They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours

"Really? T-Swift? Really, Li?" Xavier asked in his annoying sarcastic-that's-not-really-sarcastic-at-all voice.

"Dude. You really have to stop criticizing my taste in music."

"What taste?"

"That was a good one," Boromir remarked. "I have a younger brother, and it seems all younger brothers are good at the art of exchanging insults."

"Younger brothers have a God-given right to be good at insults! No, Pippin, you press that button…" Tristan said, simultaneously kicking Pippin's butt at Wii baseball and adding to the conversation.

"Well, the buttons are tiny!"

"Well, you're tiny!"

Pippin seemed rather insulted at this insult. "I'm older than you!"

Trist shut up.

"I'm older than you. Works every time." I smiled, and then noticed Merry with a dreamy look on his face.

"Crud. Another person who has a Borderline Insanity obsession with Taylor Swift," Xavier muttered.

Tristan blushed. "What? I happen to like awesome people who are a little different."

The entirety of the Fellowship was giving Trist the "Are you mentally deranged?" look.

"You do happen to like awesome people who are a little different. That is why we keep Li around, because I suggested we trade her in to Santa at Christmas for a new sister, but _no_, you said-"

"Trade me in to _Santa_? When did this conversation take place?"

"Who is this Santa?" asked Sam.

"He doesn't exist-"

"He so does!" exclaimed Tristan. "If Santa doesn't exist, then why do my Christmas presents say From Santa?"

"Because your brother-" I looked pointedly at Xavier "_who wants to trade me in for a new sister_ likes to lie to you!"

"You write the From Santa's!"

"You ask me to!"

The Fellowship was completely and utterly lost.

"We are completely and utterly lost," said Legolas.

He was ignored.

"Yo, Double T, Yo Mama showdown! Then we'll see who's right!"

"We have the same mom, nitwit!"

"Let's pretend we don't!"

"What is…what they are doing?" Aragorn asked me.

"Insulting each other's moms."

"But they have the same mother."

"I know, they're idiots. Just observe."

Tristan dropped his Wii remote. However, Pippin did not, and proceeded to hone his Wii pitching skills, while everyone paid no attention to him.

The Fellowship had moved from their semicircle around the iPod speakers to a semicircle around Xavier and Tristan.

"Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish!" Tristan started.

"The challenged gets to go first," I explained.

"Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to everybody!"

"Yo mama's so ugly, when she stands on the beach the tide won't come in!"

"Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a yellow shirt people started singing 'Here Comes the Sun'!"

"That's so unoriginal!"

"Oh, I win! You have been defeated by the power of awesome!" Xavier yelled. "Mwah ha ha!"

"How'd you win? That's not fair!"

"You gotta return with an insult! If you don't, you automatically lose!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah you do!"

"I hate you!"

"Love you too!"

I sank down in my purple chair. "Gonna be a long night," I sighed, burying my face in my hands.

A cry from Pippin startled all of us. "I won on this…machine! I won!"

"I hate you all!" Tristan shouted. He sat down on the floor and started to cry.

"Tristan," I said, walking over to him. "Stop crying."

"No!" he blubbered. "Tell Xavier that's not the rules!"

"Xavier, that's not the rules."

Xavier ignored me.

"He's ignoring you," said Merry.

"No, really? Okay, Trist, I did. Now, what do you want to do?"

"Shove Xavier off a cliff!" he exclaimed in that funny way people exclaim while crying.

"No. Eat candy?"

"Yay! Eat candy! I like candy!"

"Okay, I'll get it."

The candy in our house is on the very back of the highest shelf of the closet, so the boys can't reach it and gorge themselves on candy. But it was full to bursting with Halloween candy, and after I shoved the to shelf in and out of its resting place in the wall, the Tupperware of candy fell nicely into my arms. It looked like a little baby.

"Alright, candy time!" I announced. "Now, please don't break anything expensive looking while on a sugar high. That's the only rule."

"What is a sugar high?" asked Pippin.

"It's when you eat so much sugar you get really hyper and run around like a crazy person."  
>"Okay. Save some for me!" he yelled to Trist and White Knight, their argument forgotten as they did the one thing Incredibly Forbidden by our crazy parents-consume a frickin' insane amount of sugar.<p>

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I heard Gandalf address no one in particular behind me.

"No, that's why I let them do it."

"Are you sure you're sane?"

"No."

He sighed. "Why do I always get stuck with crazy people?"

**A/N: And that's it for now.** **I update sooner if you review! ******hint hint, wink wink****


	3. Chapter 3: Of Sugar and Blacking Out

**WARNING: THERE WILL BE CURSING IN THIS CHAPTER. THERE WILL ALSO BE SUGAR HIGHS, COMPUTER GAMES, AND SEVERE DESTRUCTION OF THE USELESS, BREAKABLE STUFF PARENTS LEAVE AROUND THE HOUSE FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF PEOPLE ON SUGAR HIGHS BREAKING THEM. THERE WILL ALSO BE A LITTLE PASSAGE FROM **_**INHERITANCE **_**THAT WILL NOT GIVE ANYTHING IMPORTANT AWAY. IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU, DO NOT READ.**

**ghg: Glad you liked it. Thanks to everyone else who reviewed! **

**For future reference, I reply to anonymous reviews up here, but if you are logged in, I will reply to you via the thingy in my emails from the Gods of Fanfiction that says, "Reply to this review using this link".**

**Elvish:**

**Mellon-nîn-my friend**

**Rhaich! -Curses!**

**Ti tállbe Orch-Go kiss an Orc**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the stuff I don't own! (No, really?)**

"THIS IS AWESOME!"

Pippin and sometimes Merry had been saying much the same for about twenty minutes. I will not say what they really, really sounded like they were doing, because the authoress has decided that this fic is rated T and it will stay like that, thank you very much.

"Sigh. You know, it affects the young ones rather a lot."

"And you never join in this…madness?" Aragorn asked me. He had the remarkable ability to keep perfectly calm in the midst of four short people on sugar highs running around like nitwits. I think they were playing a combination of tag and soccer. That is a DWTH in my book, Disaster Waiting To Happen.

"Sometimes, but now I have to be responsible and make sure they don't kill each other," I said, looking up from _Inheritance_.

"You're doing a very good job being responsible," he said, noticing I was not paying attention to the nitwits in the slightest, because _Inheritance _is too good.

"I know, right?" I grinned and went back to my book.

A few pages later, I laughed out loud.

"You laugh at books?" Boromir asked me, standing against the wall of the living room.

"If they're funny."

"You remind me of my brother. He laughs at books all the time. Once he cried, that I've seen. Once. Then he got a new lock for his room and made one key that he kept on his person at all times."

I laughed. "Spying on your little brothers is fun." Trist paused from his game of tag-soccer to pretend to whack me upside the head. I pretended to whack him back.

"What's the joke?"

"Okay. So. The hero of this book, he's sparring with an elf girl that he kind of likes…well, not kind of, really likes, and she gives him this disarming girl-you-like smile, and then he suffers a humiliating defeat."

"Failure," Aragorn laughed.

"Arwen can beat you in a sparring match, hypocrite," said Legolas with an odd sort of smile.

"Hypothetically, yes, but that has never actually happened."

"Well. Um." Legolas thought for a couple seconds. "But if it's a hypothetical yes, then it is supposed to happen, so therefore, it _might_ happen. No, it will _likely_ happen."

"_Likely _doesn't mean _will_, mellon-nîn," Aragorn replied.

No response.

"Did I just beat an elf in a game of words?" he asked the air.

"I'm older than you," Legolas grinned.

Aragorn sighed. "Now you're stealing insults from a thirteen year old girl."

"Insult theft," I said, not even looking up from _Inheritance_. "Five yard penalty, second down."

"What?"

Xavier laughed at me. "You do the weirdest things, Li."

"Well, I'm related to you."

Suddenly, a three foot-seven flying object came at my head. "I'M HYPER!" screamed Pippin, landing directly on _Inheritance_.

"If you hurt my book, I KILL YOU!" I exclaimed.

"I'm hyper. I'm hyper," Pippin obsessively repeated.

"Why did I let you do this?" I sighed. "You know what? White Knight! Show him how to play Sugar, Sugar!"

"As you wish," he said. "On your computer?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Strange as this may sound, our parents admitted they will get less mad if you kill my computer as opposed to the house one."

"Alright. Pippin, over here." I flipped open my computer, typed in my password (i_am_the_coolest_person_ever_123456) and was surprised to find that Jackson, Where's My Paycheck? had disappeared. Magic? Oh well. Who knew?

In case you don't know, Sugar, Sugar is an epic game. It's a simple premise, put the sugar in the cup. It's incredibly addicting.

"So, basically, Pip-Stop drumming your fingers on the computer!"

"I can't stop moving!" he exclaimed.

"Wow, he can't stop moving? Is that really bad?" asked Legolas.

"No, it just means he's never had this much sugar before."

"Oh. Good. He's not going to die of sugar."

"Dying of sugar," Xavier chuckled. "Dying of sugar. You people are weird…"

"I'm not a person, I'm an elf."

"Um…Li, take up this debate while I explain the finer points of Sugar, Sugar."

"Okay."

"I don't feel like debating," Legolas told me.

"Okay, I'm cool with that."

"Alright, so what you do is, you draw the line, then the sugar runs along it-"

Now. When you are a thirteen-year-old girl, you've seen a lot of crazy things. But I've never seen anything quite like what happened then.

Pippin, being high, and because he's a nitwit, or because nonsensical things just happen and who knows why, launched himself at my computer. I guess he wanted to eat the sugar.

Of course, you do not mess with my computer, which has basically my life on it. So I decided to grab Pippin by the back of his shirt collar. Unfortunately, I tend to daydream and doodle all over my notebook in science class, so I kind of forgot that his forward momentum would propel us both forward.

Xavier, thank God, instantly slammed my computer shut and threw it to the other side of the sofa. Pippin sprawled onto the fragile, old wood coffee table, which unfortunately held a lot of tiny roses my mom had found somewhere. He proceeded to crush them.

"Our mom's gonna have a fit about those roses," Xavier joked.

I wasn't so lucky. I shot under the coffee table, slamming my head into the door. I blacked out, thinking _Damn, I just blacked out two times today. I think that's a record._

I woke up under the coffee table. Unfortunately, I woke up right as it was about to collapse on my head.

I used my best ninja skills to roll out of its way. Unfortunately, it decided to fall the way I was rolling, with Pippin AND Merry, and Trist, who had kicked their soccer ball onto the table, on top of it.

"Rhaich!" I yelled. "Shoes! Fuzz! Fuzzy shoes!"

Something smacked into my head, and, you guessed it! I blacked out again.

Blacking out twice in fifteen seconds is NOT FUN.

"Ow. Ti tállbe Orch, the three of you." I'm in the habit of cursing in Elvish. Of course, Xavier had gone into my iTouch (that's what she said) and found my list of Elvish curses and what they meant.

"I have a headache worthy of Chuck Norris," I said.

"Who is Chuck Norris?" Boromir asked from somewhere beyond the wreckage of the table.

"Someone. Now, can someone bigger than me please pull me out of here? My arm is stuck under something."

"It's my head," said a hobbit-voice. Blond curls moved, and my arm was free.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and Captain Jack Sparrow (did I mention Xavier's an atheist?), you people broke that to smithereens! Mom's gonna kill you!"

"Screw you."

"I feel screwed."

Suddenly, bits of wood and roses began to move of their own accord and come out from under me. After a couple seconds, the table was fixed.

Gandalf smiled from the corner of the room. "Hobbits tend to break things."

**A/N: Short chapter, I know, but my muse is leaving. I'll make up for it in the next chapter. If you want to play Sugar, Sugar: http:/www(dot)coolmath-games(dot)com/0-sugar-sugar/index(dot)html. I do take suggestions for funny stuff, but it might not be in the very next chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4: Incorrect Usage of Pronouns

**A/N: So here's the next chapter of the insanity! Thanks to all who reviewed. This chapter contains a little (okay, more than a little) mature content. I rated this T for a reason, people!**

**There is a poll up on my profile about what the next chapter of this should be about. Please vote!**

**K Finance: Thanks for your awesome review. I just had Gollum on there because, well, I felt like it. Keep reading!**

**Elvish:**

**Nai Valaraukar tye-mátar. –May Balrogs eat you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, Sugar, Sugar, or Calvin and Hobbes. They are all owned by the people who own them! (No, really?)**

**Spot the Calvin and Hobbes quote and you get a cookie!**

I stood up on shaky legs. "Despite blacking out twice in fifteen seconds, I'm fine. You guys really need to STOP BREAKING THINGS."

As soon as I said that, Pippin nodded a little too enthusiastically, bonking his head into Tristan's, who clapped his hand to his head, his elbow knocking into Merry, whose hand shot out to the baby grand piano behind him (oxymoron right there), which collided with a crystal vase, which shattered into a bunch of tiny, glittering stars.

"Nai Valaraukar tye-mátar!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Why do you not listen to me?"

"Do you really want me to list all the reasons?" asked Tristan.

"I forget. What's that one mean again?" Xavier asked me.

"May Balrogs eat you. And, Double T, no, I do not."

"Didn't I tell you hobbits tend to break things?" Gandalf asked, fixing the vase.

"Yes, but what can I do? Besides hope they will be eaten by Balrogs?"

"I don't know."

Merry suddenly fell on the floor.

"Sugar crash," said Trist. "Don't worry, he's not dead."

Xavier was playing Sugar, Sugar, and wasn't paying attention to the universe.

"Did someone die?"

"No," I said.

He went back to playing Sugar, Sugar.

"You can has fail," Trist grinned.

"Shut up before I throw the computer at yo head."

"You can has fail at being Lil Wayne."

"Has anyone noticed we kind of forgot about Merry?"

Pippin, after saying that, collapsed too.

"Sugar crashes," I laughed.

Boromir picked up Merry and Pippin, who weren't unconscious but were bordering on it, looked at me, and jerked his head toward the stairs.

"Where can I hide them?"

"Go into the first room on the left, put them in the closet."

"Okay." He walked up the stairs.

"There's a Halloween costume from last year in that closet. It's a skeleton with very real-looking decaying flesh."

"The duck is in there, too," Trist said.

"That's not scary."

"You in it is."

"I'm hungry," I said, walking into the kitchen and ignoring my bitch of a little brother.

"Toss them in the closet in the first door on the left?" Boromir called down from upstairs.

"That's what she said," said Legolas.

"That's what she said," I laughed, returning to the living room, food forgotten. I had a feeling where this was going.

"That is what you said," Legolas countered, not a hint of a smile on his face.

"Yes, it is what I said."

"But a That's what I/you said doesn't exist," said Xavier. "I'm confused…"

"Yeah, but it's a That's what she said and that's what she said." said Legolas.

"What? I'm very confuzzled." Tristan gave all of us the Confuzzled Look.

"Yes, that is what I said," I said.

"No, duh, but…I'm so confused!" Tristan said, burying his head in his hands. "My head will now explode from confuzzlization! And then you will have to toss the rest of me into that bush that's technically not on our property to avoid Mom and Dad finding you!"

"That's what she said," said Legolas. He was incredible at keeping a straight face.

"No, it's what I said!" said Trist.

"Yes, but it's also a That's what she said." said Legolas.

"No, what Li said was-"

"What Li said is rather irrelevant-"

"But she's the only girl here!"

I looked around.

"I just realized that," I said.

"Did any of you realize that he doesn't know what That's what she said means? And, I'm starting to think at least one of you is guilty of incorrect pronoun usage," said Aragorn.

"Yes, but it's fun to torment little children!" said Legolas.

"That's what she said," I said.

"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know," said Tristan.

"Go to bed, small child," I said. "It's almost eight." "I don't wanna," he said, just as a terrifying scream issued from upstairs.

**A/N: Yes, yes, I know, short. My muse is abandoning me. Did anyone notice I used the word "said" 35 times in this chapter?**

**Please review, there aren't too many visitors to this story and I love all you guys! **


	5. Chapter 5: Of Airsoft Guns and Cliffies

**Greetings, people! So here's a chapter of more insanity for ya! My muse has returned, thanks to Phoenix Revenge (this chapter's for you, Phoenix!) so here you go! The poll result will be next chapter, to give me time to plan. If you haven't voted, vote!**

**Incredibly sorry for taking nine million years to update and depriving y'all of funniness. My life has been insane. Sorry! I still love you all!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed, you are all honorary ninjas!**

**Greekgirl211hero of all: One, I must find a way to abbreviate your name. Two, yes, sugar is funny. Keep reading! Love you!**

**K Finance: No, Santa's not real. Damn. *Sob***

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS. I think you've figured that out by now.**

I ran upstairs toward the terrifying scream. Under normal circumstances, you do not run towards terrifying screams. However, your house with nine fictional characters in it is not normal.

I threw (no, literally, threw, and almost broke) the closet door open, to be greeted with…a duck shoved in my face.

"Boromir put you in the closet!" was my first thought, which was therefore screamed out loud. I was in panic mode, meaning my think-before-you-talk meter had gone to zero. Not that it was incredibly high in the first place.

A blur of hobbits ran past me, and I heard something that sounded suspiciously like "Damn you, Li!" and "Wow, that's more real looking than I remembered."

"What just happened?" I said, walking downstairs.

"We scared you," said Pippin with a huge grin. Not on a sugar high, he actually seemed pretty normal.

"Yeah, they kind of threw the skeleton down," said Xavier.

"Wow. That is more real-looking than I remembered."

Suddenly (wow, you say suddenly a lot in a humor fic) Aragorn doubled over in pain.

Trist was holding an airsoft gun, grinning like an idiot.

"Where the hell did you get an airsoft gun?" I asked.

Xavier was holding an airsoft gun too.

"What is with this?"

"The powers that be (i.e., our authoress and friends) have decided we should have airsoft guns and wreak havoc."

"The powers that be are very nice." Tristan grinned evilly.

The Fellowship automatically unconsciously backed up.

Xavier chuckled. "Airsoft guns are fun."

Right on cue, the room exploded in a hail of airsoft bebes. I calmly sat on the table with the roses that had previously been broken, watching the insanity. My philosophy is Sometimes you cause the insanity, sometimes you participate in the insanity, and sometimes you just gotta sit back and watch the insanity. This was a watching time.

I had on my best Luna Lovegood face, calm, innocent, and with a slight tinge of this-is-normal-why-do-you-think-it's-weird confusion. If you know the face, you know it.

Airsoft bebes were flying absolutely everywhere. Most of them were hitting the Fellowship in certain areas of the body very painful to guys. I, with my ninja training I'd picked up from self-defense classes at my camp, my best friend, and a family friend who'd taken karate, judo, and akaido, could think of a lot better places to hit somebody if you were thinking lasting-damage wise, but for the purposes of inflicting pain, groin strikes were always the best.

I just watched as Tristan and Xavier laughed hysterically. I wondered why the authoress would've given those two airsoft guns so they could wreak havoc. I hoped she gave me something cool sometime.

Tristan was suddenly the one doubling over in pain.

"This is fun," said Legolas, stealing Xavier's gun too.

Now, Legolas, even though his brain was probably on auto-translate, didn't understand what Xavier said next. But the general concept of "You son of a beep beep beep" is universal.

"What's…that…mean?" Tristan groaned from the ground.

"It means…ow!" Xavier collapsed too, but being Xavier, decided to collapse directly on top of Legolas, and by sheer luck, crashed his blond-curled head directly into the elf's solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him.

Your solar plexus is, if you don't know, in the center of your chest. Your ribs split at a V when they go over to your sides. If you hit someone right under the bone of the V, you can knock the wind out of him or her. You can kill 'em, if you hit hard enough. It's actually my favorite pressure point. Even if you are Dwight Howard who is six-ten, I can still reach your solar plexus.

Apparently, it's a pressure point for elves, too, as Legolas took on the universal look of someone with no air. Xavier tried to yank the airsoft guns out of his hands, but even an elf with no air is stronger than a ten-year-old boy, and neither of them was letting go. Since, as I already mentioned, I pay no attention in science class, I forgot that with their opposing forces, something was gonna go flying.

Or not. Legolas, diving toward Xavier and letting go of the guns, punched him in the nuts and still managed to hold one of the airsoft guns. He then just started pulling the trigger like he'd seen the boys do, and in an instant, Xavier was covered in airsoft bebes.

"Never mess with an elf," he said, tucking his hair back out of his eyes.

And then, of course, something not good decided to happen.

We heard sounds outside the door, _bong bong bing thump, bong bong bing thump._ And then….

**I will update sooner and you will find out what is outside the house if you REVIEW!**

**Guess what is outside the house correctly and you get a cookie!**


	6. Chapter 6: Of Oliphaunts and Fangirls

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews! And now…you will find out what is outside the house!**

**THE POLL WILL BE TAKEN DOWN AFTER THIS CHAPTER IS POSTED (which means that if you're reading this, the poll is gone). I WILL USE THE POLL RESULT NEXT CHAPTER, PROMISE. Phoenix Revenge suggested this chapter idea, and it was just too tie-innable (yes, that's a word, I just invented it) to my pizza idea. (Oops, just spoiled a bit of this chapter!)**

**K Finance: You're half right! Love you!**

**Anomus girl: One, it's anonymous, ffr (for future reference.) Two, I'm glad that people like my work! Keep reading!**

**Texts and thoughts are in italics.**

**Disclaimer: Butterfly does not own LotR, Legend of Zelda, PotC, Despicable Me, DragongirlM's parody of My Immortal, or Spongebob.**

"Oliphaunts!" screamed Sam, running like an idiot in the other direction. Then again, most of us were too.

I say most because Xavier was still doubled over in pain. I picked him up (with the assistance of Boromir), grabbed my computer (didn't I tell you that was my life?) and ran like an idiot after everybody else.

Tristan turned around. "Why aren't they destroying the house?"

We had run out the front door and could see the house. And it was not being epically destroyed.

"Hey!" yelled someone on top of the lead Oliphaunt. There were three, by the way, which is three more than you ever want to meet.

"They has stolen the Precious! They steals it from us and we wantses it back!"

"Marshmallow fluff!" I yelled. "How did you get Oliphaunts?"

"They has madeses me ruler of the world!"

"Who the hell made you the ruler of the world?"

"They voted Sauron out!"

"Who?"

"The filthy orcses and goblinses!"

"Why?"

"It was Electionses Day yesterday!"

Suddenly, he fell off his Oliphaunt.

"I'm okayses!" he yelled.

He got back up on the Oliphaunt.

"Stupid thing!" he yelled.

Xavier, who still had an airsoft gun, proceeded to shoot Gollum (I'm fairly sure you figured out who it was, but just in case) off the Oliphaunt. He then vanished into thin air. With the Oliphaunts.

"That was weird," said Xavier.

"I'm cold," Pippin stated to no one in particular. "Let's go back inside."

"That seemed to serve no purpose," Aragorn commented.

"Who says things have to have a purpose? Pip's right, let's go inside." **(A/N: Pip is actually canon as a nickname, so nobody yell at me!)**

We went back inside, and no sooner had Pippin declared, "I'm bored," that the doorbell dinged.

"If your name starts with a letter, hide!" I said in a loud whisper.

"What if you're The Artist Formerly Known As Prince?"

"Persons shorter than me, shut up," I said.

"That's not me," Boromir laughed.

"Persons taller than me, shut up."

"What if we're exactly the same height as you?"

The doorbell rang again. The Fellowship and the boys were safely hidden in the enormous coat closet (I hoped) and I answered it.

"Pizza?" the guy said.

"Oh, you're finally here!" I said. "Thanks!"

I took the five pizza boxes and shut the door in his face.

"Guys, come out!" I said. "It was the pizza guy."

"What the crudmuffins?"

"It was the pizza guy, now come out!"

Tristan came out.

"Pizza. Who the beep ordered pizza?"

We were both half expecting Xavier to come out of the closet with a phone in his hand and a guilty look on his face, but he didn't.

"Who did order pizza? I didn't, I swear by cookies."

"You swear by cookies?" Gimli asked. "I've never heard that before."

"Of course I swear by cookies. They are good."

I pulled out my phone and immediately texted Brynn, Caroline, Zelda (yes, like Legend of Zelda) and Amanda. The four people, my bestest friends, who'd do this to me.

_WHO THE FUDGEMUFFINS JUST ORDERED ME PIZZA?_

While Xavier distributed the pizza (which means he gets seven slices and Trist gets one), I got a reply back from Brynn.

_Li what the beep im sleeping dont wake me up! i didnt order you pizza! i cannot afford that expense! shut up!_

Well, okay then. She sounded pretty sincere.

Zelda:_ hehehe we gotcha didnt we? we r outside your house. can we come in? its me + caroline + amanda._

"Marshmallow fluff," I muttered, texting back, _NOOOOOOOO! GO AWAY! ILL TELL U TOMOROW BUT GO AWAY!_

Zelda: _y?_

Amanda: _holy fuzzing fuzzers! that hot guy from lord of the rings is in ur house! im tellin everybody!_

"Damn you, Amanda! Damn you! And then throw you off a cliff! Why must you be so obsessed with Orlando Bloom?"

"Li, want pizza?" Double T asked.

"Guys, we got a problem. You know Amanda? She's outside our house right now."

Xavier looked at Legolas.

Tristan looked at Legolas.

Gimli looked at Legolas just because Tristan and Xavier were looking at Legolas.

"Why is everyone looking at me?"

"It's super hard to explain. But all of you HIDE. Like now."

"Why?"

"Didn't I say it was hard to explain?"

"Are your parents home?"

"No! HIDE!"

Thankfully, I was listened to. The Fellowship hid in the coat closet (mostly), and after the throwing in of pizza boxes, Pippin and Merry were in too.

"Barricade the doors!" I shouted to Xavier and Trist.

"With what?" Xavier asked.

"Objects!"

"What kind of objects?"

"The object-y kind!"

"That was maddeningly unhelpful!"

"Thank you, Jack Sparrow!"

Locking the doors, Xavier threw random chairs and small tables in front of them too. Tristan, with my help, put duct tape over the windows.

"No one here yet?"

"Nah," I said, peeking through the curtains.

Suddenly, I heard feet.

"I take that back."

"Shoes."

If you don't know Amanda, you will not believe what happened next. Amanda is obsessed with Orlando Bloom in a way that borders on insanity. She's the head of a cult in our town (yes, it's a legitimate cult, they have secret passcodes and everything) of about 150 fangirls. And ten bucks said they were all invading my house.

"Trist, go tell you-know-who not to come out of the house under penalty of death. Xavier, duct tape the windows on the other side. I'll deal with 'em."

"Try not to die of fangirlness," Tristan joked.

"Very funny."

I slowly, tentatively, opened the door.

"Hi guys," I said. "What's up?"

"Where is he?" Amanda very nearly growled.

"That's not who you think it is. It's actually my…um…cousin! Yes, my cousin!" _Damn, I sound like that guy from Despicable Me._

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"No, it's not."

"Yeah, it is. The hair was a wig that Xavier has for no reason whatsoever."

"Then why did you never TELL ME-er, us-ABOUT IT!"

"I…didn't think you'd care?"

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO IN!" screamed some of Amanda's posse.

They surged at the back, shoving Amanda forward until she tripped over my doorstep. The crowd is a powerful force.

"Help! Fangirls are invading my house!" I shouted to the air.

"This is obviously because I am so awesome," said Tristan, smirking with his very creeper-ish smirk.

"Who are you?" asked one fangirl. "You're weird. And you're short."

Tristan looked affronted. "How dare you insult me?"

The girl ignored him and ran past, looking for Legolas. I tried to stop them (and Tristan tried to distract them with his sexiest grin, which made him look like a moron) but it was no use.

"If he survives them, we're dead," I groaned, sinking to the floor.

"Who's dead?" Legolas asked.

"What the fuzz? You were just upstairs!"

"I climbed out the window. With the assistance of Xavier."

"THERE HE IS!" screamed some fangirls.

"Legolas, run like your life depends on it!" I yelled.

Legolas ran like his life depended on it.

"YOU LIED TO ME!" Amanda lunged at my face.

"Go get eaten by stair railings!" I blocked her, turning my head and bringing my right forearm in front of my face.

She hesitated for a second at the odd insult, but sometimes that's all you need. I shoved her into Tristan, who tripped and fell, screaming, "May a herd of unneeded ellipses trample you to death!"

"What is wrong with your family?" she asked me.

"We keep you around," I said.

"Oh no you didn't!" she said, scraping at my face.

"Catfight!" Xavier laughed.

I blocked Amanda's attacks easily. I am a ninja, you see.

She yelled at me the whole time, "You little selfish moron," etc. I didn't listen.

Suddenly, a hand came out of nowhere and smacked her on the head. She fell, slamming her head into my arm and blacking out.

"I climbed a tree," Legolas smirked. "Then I got into another one, and they didn't know. I think they think I'm still in the tree. Who are they, anyway?"

"Are they gone?" asked a little voice from upstairs. Merry, I thought.

"Yeah, come downstairs."

"Who were they?" Boromir asked, shaken.

"Crazy people."

Legolas smirked. "I have escaped from them!"

I picked up the unconscious Amanda. She's skinny, so she was easy to lift. "I'm getting her out of here."

Zelda and Caroline were still outside. They had been ignored by the fangirls, for obvious reasons.

"Can you two take her home?" I asked.

"Why can't you?" Zelda looked confused, understandably.

"Guys, the flippin' Fellowship of the Ring is in my house. If I leave, it will become utter chaos."

"How did they end up in your house?"

"I dunno. Just, I can't have her here. If she wakes up, she's, like, going to viciously murder me and then attempt to make out with Legolas."

"We understand," Caroline interceded before Zelda could reply. "Sure, Li. But you owe us."

"I'll make it up to you. Promise."

"We're holding you to that," Zelda said a bit harshly, unhappy about having to carry Amanda. She, the shorter, took Amanda's arms and head, while Caroline took her legs.

"Bye," said Caroline.

"See you guys tomorrow." I walked back in the house.

"What should we do now?" Tristan opened the door for me.

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"We've turned into Spongebob and Patrick," he chuckled.

**A very Meriadoc Christmas to you all! Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7: Of Ninja and Fairy Princesses

**Thanks to all my lovely reviewers! And now for a long-expected poll result chapter! *****dun dun dunnnnnnn***

**Extremely profuse sorries for the million-year long wait. Seriously, almost two months? That is far too long. My muse totally abandoned me. And I procrastinated. And my teachers are trying to kill me. I'm sorry that this chapter isn't up to much. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Except for Li, Xavier, and Tristan and the Ten Commandments of Ninja. They are mine! Mine! My precious! Damn, that sounded creepy.**

"OMG WE SHOULD PLAY NINJA!"

Xavier's shout startled me out of my boredom.

"Ninja, hmmm? Decent idea."

"But we might break stuff…no…" His face fell. "My face just fell."

"I have never understood that expression. How do faces fall?"

"I don't know."

"Ah, screw it, let's play Ninja! Who wants to play Ninja?"

"What is Ninja?" Pippin got around a mouthful of pizza.

"The flipping coolest game EVER!" yelled Tristan. "Are we playing Ninja?"

"No. We're not. We're just talking about it. Of course we're playing Ninja, get over here, dude!"

"YAY!"

"Someone is still not off his sugar high."

"LET'S PLAY!"

"Fine."

"How do you play?" asked Pippin.

"First, you stop eating pizza."

"Dang."

"Then you get over here. And form a circle."

"And then what do you do?"

"Here" I showed him. "Let's just show you while we play. 3…2…1…Ninja!" I put my hands up in front of my face in the classic ninja pose. Xavier had his further out. Merry and Pip were standing there awkwardly, while Tristan had his hands behind his back."

"Ten Commandments of Ninja, Double T. Thou shalt not start with thy hands behind thy back."

"Darn."

Xavier began to hum while I explained the rules of Ninja.

"Alright, Merry, Pip, the Ten Commandments of Ninja!

One: Thou shalt attempt to hit the next person in the circle's hand with thy hand when it is thy turn.

Two: When it is not thy turn, thou shalt not move, except for breathing and blinking.

Three: Thou shalt not kick, bite, or do anything other than hit the other person's hand with thy hand for the hit to count.

Four: If another person is attempting to hit thy hand, thou may move to evade them, but only then.

Five: The ruling of Lianna shalt be taken as law as to whether a hit counts or not. It is final. No questions.

Six: Thou shalt not hum annoying songs like Friday, Baby, or They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard while playing Ninja. 'Tis a violation of commandment number two anyway.

Seven: Thou shalt only take one step when it is thy turn.

Eight: Thou shalt not jump to another place and mess up the order. This shalt confuzzle everyone else.

Nine: Thou shalt not start with thy hands behind thy back.

Ten: All ye who art not playing shalt not disturb the players. "Disturb" shalt include imitating Captain Jack Sparrow.

Got all that, little guys?"

"We're older than you, but yes," Merry replied.

I smiled. "Great. Let's play!"

We played four rounds. I won three, but Pip actually managed to win once. We were about to start the fifth when Legolas joined in.

He beat me. No, not beat me, kicked my ass. A lot. Sometimes painfully. It got annoying, as I am the ninja champion of the planet. So, I resorted to trickery, which is always fun.

It had been about seven rounds before the opportune moment presented itself. Legolas's left hand had just hit Merry's and circled back around, landing directly in front of his groin. Perfect.

I smirked. I had him now! I went for his left hand. He pulled it out of the way easily, almost faster than the eye could see, but I punched him in the groin as hard as I could. Revenge! Yes!

He doubled over, pulling on my ankle. I fell down, crashing my head into the fuzzy tan carpet.

"The revenger has been revenged upon," he grinned.

"Now where did you steal that line from?" _Dang, my head hurts._

"I invented it."

"No you didn't-GIMLI!"

A very drunk Gimli staggered into the room. "Can…I play…"

He fell, face-first, onto the carpet.

"HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE REACH THE CABINET WITH DAD'S BEER?" I shouted to no one in particular.

"Li, here's the bottle." Tristan handed it to me.

I read it. "I didn't know Dad had Captain Morgan rum. Let's see-OH NOES!"

"What?" Xavier ran over. "Is the world ending?"

"This is 35 percent alcohol!" I screamed. "And the IDIOT drank the ENTIRE THING!"

"It's only 35 percent full?" asked Tristan. But I had no time for questions.

"He's gonna have a headache of the apocalypse when he wakes up. This is not good, not good at all."

"Why is the rum gone?" Xavier asked.

"Because Gimli drank it!"

"I thought it was a vile drink that turned the most respectable of men into complete scoundrels!"

"Shut up with your stupid quotes!"

"I used to shut up, but then I took an arrow to the knee."

"Oh my God!"

"I used to listen to my sister, but then I took an arrow to the knee!"

"You took an arrow to the knee?" Aragorn frowned. "That hurts."

"Let's play more Ninja," I grumbled. "And next person who says 'arrow to the knee' is getting an arrow to the knee."

"I used to care about my sister's orders, but then I took an arrow to the knee."

I took Legolas's dark wood bow off the chair and leveled it at his head.

"That's not my knee."

I aimed lower.

"That's not my knee, and if you shoot me there, I will personally rip off your arms."

I aimed a bit lower.

"Yes, that's my knee. Brilliant."

I pulled the bow back. Or tried to.

"What is wrong with this thing? It won't pull back!"

"You need to have muscles. Like moi," said Legolas, coming up from behind me and taking the bow out of my hands. "Don't shoot people, it's not very nice."

"You shoot people," I complained.

"I'm different. I can actually shoot this thing."

"Anyone up for more Ninja?" asked Tristan.

"NO!" shouted Legolas.

"Once bitten, twice shy," I said.

"Cliché alert!"

"You have the word cliché in Middle-Earth?"

"Yes."

"But it's French."

"What?"

"I am getting nowhere."

"How can we play Ninja without stepping on Gimli?" Tristan asked me rightly.

"Meh, true."

"How about we play a prank on him?"

"We what?"

"Play a prank on him."

I was taken aback. "You are the essence of absolute brilliance! Now what should we do?"

He shrugged.

"Well then. Guys?" I called to the Fellowship. "What does Gimli hate?"

"Boats?" suggested Legolas.

"We do not have a boat. What else?"

"All guys hate Justin Bieber," Xavier offered.

"What about Troy Tulowitzki?" I came back with.

"He likes Justin Bieber?"

"Yuppers."

"I am never saying anything good about that man again."

"All guys hate fairy princesses." Trist steered us back on topic.

"Where," I demanded, "is my fairy princess Halloween costume?"

**COMMENCE POINT OF VIEW OF AN OMNISCIENT NARRATOR**

It was around fifteen minutes later when the red-haired dwarf arose from the floor. He looked around dazedly with an aching head; maybe having had an entire bottle of rum was not the best idea, even if it did taste good.

Where were those children? They had just…vanished. How long had he been out? It didn't feel like too long, but you could never tell when drunk.

What was that on the floor? Glitter? What was glitter doing on the floor? Where did it come from? Was he hallucinating? He shook his head to try to clear it, but more glitter appeared.

Then he noticed what he was wearing. A pink dress with a ruffled skirt and more lace then was really necessary for anyone ever and WAY more glitter than was also necessary for anyone ever.

"LIANNA YOU ARE DEAD!" he roared. "Once I find you."

In a nearby closet, faint giggles were heard.

**Troy Tulowitzki is the shortstop of the Rockies and actually does like Justin Bieber. **

**Reviews make me smile **


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